Room 607

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The Word (Logos)

The universe itself has been created with the Word, as described at the beginning of the Bible:

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”
— John 1:1 (NIV)

We take our words and the gift of speech so lightly.

But what if we knew that every word we say continues to live forever? Because words do have their own life; they carry their own energy. Each one holds a certain power, creating reactions wherever it lands.

Words can heal, offer comfort, or destroy in a single moment.

If we were more careful with what we say, perhaps we would speak far less.

And Jesus said: “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” (Matthew 5:37)

Yet every day I feel how easily we take this gift of speech for granted and misuse it.

The harsh words you once told me keep coming back in my mind. I sometimes feel they will never truly disappear; they return like an echo in my ears, again and again.

I made mistakes, and I will keep doing so. You made mistakes too. It hurts, but it clears the mind. We are not perfect, yet we are perfect for each other. Even our fights feel somehow they were meant to be, because were real.

And now, even from a distance, I feel that we continue to grow simply because we once met. Our worlds were shaken and revealed, like a river cleansing itself in spring after a long frozen winter. All the dirt rises to the surface and is carried away, until only the clean, pure water remains.

Sometimes I wonder how it is possible that after all this time the same person still lives in your thoughts—when you fall asleep, when you wake up, even in your dreams, night after night.

I once told you about our astrological compatibility report, and I remember its main points very clearly: that we are obsessed with each other, that we are soulmates, and that our relationship carries a healing and growing energy. Even though I have known this for a long time, it still frightens me. It keeps me holding back, creating distance between us, while at the same time something inside me feels helplessly drawn toward you.

Weekends and evenings are the most difficult, when you are left alone with your thoughts. That is when the emptiness appears, and the pain of missing you becomes deep and sharp, like a knife piercing the heart.

I know we are not finished. Perhaps we never truly will be. Still, part of me wished for one last conversation—to bring all our feelings to the surface and clear them honestly and purely. But I also know we might only wound each other again.

That is why I feel a strange sense of relief every time we do not meet.

15 * Fifteen years

Yes, my love, this is the required period of penance for adultery: 15 years without receiving the Eucharist.

I can’t handle that anymore. I’ve already gone through it once before, for six years.

Now, during this fasting period, it is a great time for confession, reflection, and prayer.
Which I’ve been doing lately. I went to confession on Friday, and on Saturday I received the Eucharist. It was such a great joy and relief. Only someone who is going through it can truly understand the deep peace and joy that fills the soul in that moment.

I’ve done some research and also spoke again with my priest about us. He is completely against this situation. Still, he said there is only one possible way if we truly want to be together: first, both of us would need to divorce, with the bishop’s blessing. After that, we could marry—but only after a period of preparation, with fasting, confession, and repentance, and without any physical relationship before the wedding.

Even in this case, from what I have been reading—especially in the writings of Saint Basil the Great—it is still considered a great sin, especially for a woman, to leave her man and go to another one. He says it will always be considered adultery.

And all of this is written by a woman whose dream is to become a nun when her youngest child turns 18. A woman who has not been physically attracted to anyone—a nun at heart—until you appeared and turned her entire life upside down in a single moment, touching her soul.

I dreamed about you last night too, and it was a funny dream. I was poor and humble, in an outdoor place, washing dishes. It looked like the garden of a hotel, and I was about 40 meters away from the building. Suddenly I saw your car arriving. It was a new one, gorgeous. You got out of it looking so handsome, and you seemed so successful and radiant—everything about you was shining and bright. And I was just so happy to see you, so proud of you. Seeing that you were fine and happy filled my soul with joy. I just watched you from afar, quietly. Like a guardian angel… someone who can always be there for you.

Ruined castle

I am tired. Everyday trying to be strong, to fight. For my children, I have to survive you. The pain that you are near and we can’t meet. The pain that you don’t care and you always push me away. I have nothing remained. My soul is just empty like a ruined castle. Sometimes I just wish I was dead, so I don’t feel any more this pain, and then I think about my poor children, they need me so much.

I was watching the movie adaptation of Orhan Pamuk’s The Museum of Innocence, and I was like seeing my own heart reflected on the screen—every memory, every longing, felt familiar.

I really don’t believe in us anymore, I lost hope totally. I tried not to.

And you, don’t stop, just keep making me suffer. With all your games. I am so tired of all these, of you hiding, more and more, every day, new old games, new old underground messages. I have accepted it, you don’t love me. I must train my mind to let go this. But it simply isn’t going. It hurts more everyday, not less, as I expected. Tears are my daily sleep pills. Pain is my companion.

What kind of curse brought you in my life?

How could you imagine that I would ever harm you or your closed ones? You really don’t know me at all? Can’t you read my humiliated soul? How much harm you did to it and continue doing it for free? And still loves you like there is no one else existing in this world?

Can’t you see that you destroyed everything beautiful between us and you keep doing it?

How can you still go on in this pattern which I am escaping from because it hurts? When will you start acting different and show you really care? I really lost my hope. You made it.

You can’t leave someone you love broken and humiliated everyday for almost three years. This game came to absurd limits, draining me. I don’t know any more how you feel, I don’t feel you any more, because I am too busy with myself fighting to be alright. But I feel you found someone, and you don’t want us. And is better. I just want you to be happy. I must shrink to let you live your life.

Tears are relief. Sleep is forgetting. Work is detachment. Children are joy. Morning is struggle. Friends are comfort. Nature is balm. God is hope.

I want you to know this.

Just like I said, we met in the wrong place and at the wrong time. And try, just for a moment, to put yourself in my shoes. I am always the one coming into your territory — your space, your family, your people. I am always completely out of my comfort zone.

I could explain, pointing to all our problems, but I think you already know them.

We are so opposite and so alike at the same time. Our souls feel the same. Definitely, we are some kind of soulmates. We share identical thoughts, a strange telepathy, the same sensitivity, the same wounds. We see each other’s bare souls, and somehow, we heal one another.

Now, the things that stand between us are these:

1. Environment and culture

Our environments and cultures are very different. I will tell you how I see things, and forgive me if I am wrong.

I am surrounded by close friends — religious, kind, joyful, soft and warm people who focus on helping others, reading, talking about God, books, parenting, travel. We often have deep conversations, growing together, sharing thoughts about books, movies, philosophy, and our concerns about life and society. Charity is part of our rhythm. We are deeply spiritual, but also cheerful and fun. We have beautiful parties — nothing wild, just simple joy. Even our work connections revolve around church, monks, and priests.

In your environment, there is a strong material component — pride, physical desire, sexuality. You chase adrenaline and intense sensations, sometimes even revenge. There are mixed relationships with questionable people. I see anger, distrust, lust, and money moving around you like currents.

2. Values

I am searching for deep spiritual evolution, towards God, taking the saints as my example. I am focused on others. In Orthodoxy, you must let go of your ego completely. Surrender everything. No love in your soul should be greater than the love for God — not even the love for your children or family. You must be willing to sacrifice everything in His name. Asceticism is essential. It means surrender.

As Seraphim Rose explained:

“Everything in this life passes away — only God remains, only He is worth struggling towards. We have a choice: to follow the way of this world… or to choose the way of life, to choose God Who calls us and for Whom our heart is searching.”

I will not speak about your values. You can look at them yourself.
This was one of our very first conversations, if you remember.

3. Life background

We both have a past. Not an easy one. Both of us were deeply hurt by the people we loved, or by others. But from that point, our paths separated.

I chose to keep my inner child. I chose peace. I chose to continue trusting and loving people, no matter how many times they disappoint or break me. Sometimes they abuse my kindness — and strangely, I am at peace with that. I imagine a box in Heaven, and for every act of goodness, a diamond appears inside. So I keep filling my treasure box. The more they hurt me, the more diamonds I collect.

You chose anger. You chose protection. You chose to hide your vulnerability behind strength and distance. But you cannot truly trick anyone with that. On the surface you seem powerful, but people can feel the wound beneath. Predators smell blood from far away. And yes — you are still bleeding.

I want to help you heal. As a friend or as a lover — whatever God allows. But I am not sure if it is right for me to be so involved. Healing a soul is a great responsibility. It belongs to God, or to a saint. The borders are thin, and I am not pure enough to see them clearly.

With you, I become too involved. I lose my balance. How can I help you if I cannot always hold myself steady? Sometimes I feel I am getting lost in your darkness — shy, scared, unsure of the next step. And what if you open your soul to me, and I fail you?

If you trusted me more and stayed close in the right way, I could show you what true strength is. You are strong not when you fight everything, but when your soul is attached to nothing except God. When you place your whole life in His hands and stop overthinking. His words are simple, clear, and deep.

As Constantin Brâncuși said:
“Simplicity is the essence of complicated things.”

You have a special talent for making your life heavier through overthinking and worry. You search for a deep love. You need to feel loved. I told you many times that you will never find it — but I forgot to finish the sentence. The love you are searching for exists, but not in a woman’s arms. It exists in God. He is the only one who can give you the unconditional love, peace, and strength you long for.

If sometimes I seem detached, it is not because I do not love you. It is because I trust what He chooses for me, even when it hurts, even when I do not understand.

There is a long story about how I came to God and to Orthodoxy — but that belongs to another chapter.

4. Present lives

The first and greatest problem is our partners.

Mine and I are separated, yet still living in the same house — he in the attic, I on the ground floor. We remain friends. I speak to him about you because I miss you and have no one else to talk to. It hurts him, but he understands — until he loses control. And that creates danger.

One day I was so afraid that I promised him I would never see you again. I lied. But that fear remains. I am afraid he could hurt you or your family.

He says he will not move until he knows that the children and I are safe and that he has done everything possible to save the marriage. He gave me one month — until Easter — to clarify things with you, without intimacy. After Easter, if we are certain, he promised to leave.

Yours… I see deep love and care there. She makes compromises to save your marriage, even accepting things that wound her. That is what loving women do. And you are comfortable in that space. You are afraid that with me you would not have that comfort.

Yes, I am possessive with you. I have never been like this before. It is new and it drives me crazy. I love you with a passion that burns me slowly. With my husband, I never felt this fire. When I suspected him of cheating, I wanted truth — to fix it, or to let him go if it was real love. Always rational.

5. Future

You are possessive too. You want me entirely — every minute. But that affects my children, my work, my social life, my charity. I am used to loving everyone. Would you accept that? You would always be third — after God and my children. That is the only place available.

Right now, a passionate love does not fit easily into my life. To choose it, I would have to give up everything. And if I did, I would ask the same of you. We would have to fight the world together.

There are two paths: the dark, chaotic one — rushing together, intimacy first, plans later — or the good one: fasting, prayer, blessing from a priest, marriage, and only then union. It sounds almost funny when I write it. But faith, church, confession, communion — these are non-negotiable for me. Everything else can grow naturally.

I was listening to Jung’s theory about soulmates, and it made me think that sometimes God brings two people together for a higher purpose — to serve Him, to create something meaningful, to make the world better. If that is why we met, I am ready. I even see strange signs — small symbols that feel like messages.

6. Games and interests

I never played with you or your feelings. Sometimes I reacted foolishly, yes, especially when I felt you did not trust me. I felt in danger — as if you wanted an affair you could later blame on me, or an easy escape if it failed. Tell me if I am wrong.

I never used you — not for money, not for advantage. If it was about money, you paid me too little; I worked almost like for charity because I wanted to learn.

If it was for knowledge — yes, your brilliant mind fascinated me. But that was not strategy. You seduced me with your intelligence. I fell in love twice: once at first sight, and again when I truly knew you.

Sometimes I stepped back so you could lead, and I was proud watching your confidence grow. I saw you shining. I made myself smaller so you could stand taller. It hurt when I was not acknowledged, even if I never asked for praise.

When my silence — which was only fear and confusion — was taken as rejection, I saw your dark side. It frightened me. Then came anger. Then revenge. Our love became a hidden battlefield. And when you did not stop, I chose to end the madness and walk away.

Since I met you, there has been no other man in my life. I accepted my husband only as compromise. He always knew my heart was not his. Yes, I tried small jealous games — giving attention elsewhere — but nothing beyond that. I cannot cheat. My body feels blocked. I belong to you, whether I fight it or not. It feels like a spell I cannot break.

As for money — it is irrelevant. It comes and goes. One day it exists, another day it disappears. My idol is Mother Gavrilia, who lived without money. I see money more as a burden than a blessing — simply a compromise with the world.

Now, I do not want to sound dramatic. This is simply me — with all my flaws.

No matter whether we end up together or not, I am yours for life in the way souls recognize each other. I will always be here if you need me. I will always miss you fiercely. And if one day you hear that I have passed away, remember this — that before my last breath, I whispered your name.

Let Me Introduce Myself

My darling, my love —
how can I explain myself so that you may finally understand?

For more than two years you have rejected me, pushed me away, wounded me in ways both loud and silent.
Every day was a battle just to come and see you — to see you with her.
To watch you plan holidays together, prepare birthday surprises, share lunches, laughter, friends, family… an entire life unfolding before my eyes.

And I —
I stood there like a humble stranger.
An outsider.
Worth two pennies.
Taken for granted. Dismissed. Humiliated.

I carried my love in silence —
in loneliness, in tears, in pain, in whispered prayers.
I woke up crying and fell asleep the same way.
Every morning I gathered the broken pieces of myself, stitched them back together, and stepped outside pretending to be strong. Pretending to be happy.

Every single morning, for more than two years.

Before opening the door, I would hesitate.
Should I go today?
And then I would take a deep breath, make the sign of the cross, whisper a prayer — and move forward.

Meanwhile, my world was falling apart elsewhere.

I was facing separation from my husband — his breakdowns, his jealousy, his anger.
A priest advised him not to leave the house, to fight with everything he had to keep our family together. And so he fights.

I chose to stay, in part to protect you and your family. I am afraid of what pain he could cause, of what despair can become. And he, too, does not deserve destruction. In his own way, he is protecting what he believes is his.

I faced my children’s hurt — their silence, their blame.
They felt abandoned, lonely. It showed in their schoolwork, in their sadness.
And still, I carried everything alone.

My faith trembled. My confessor told me this was temptation, that it would pass, that I must end this once and for all.
Everyone told me to end it.

At night, nightmares came. Devils surrounded me in my dreams.
Sometimes, even you stood among them.

And yet — somehow — God carried me.
He gave me an island of peace.

My children’s embraces became my salvation.
Their voices calling me the best mother in the world.
My friends standing beside me.
My work consuming my days — saving me from drowning in my own thoughts.
I poured my soul into it. And when people thanked me, when problems were solved, I felt a small light return inside me.

And still — despite everyone, despite everything, sometimes even despite you — I chose you.

You told me many times to leave.
But I always came back.

Being near you was like a drug: you know it burns you, but for one brief moment it makes you feel alive. And you crave that moment desperately.

Each time you left, it felt like a knife in my chest.
I would sit at home and cry — again and again — missing you beyond reason.

And you —
what did you ever do for us?

You took me to hidden places — not even a hotel — and then blamed me because I would not sleep with you.
Let me say this one last time: I am not a woman to be bought in shadows.
Especially not by a man who does not honor me.

Not one single day did I feel your love fully.
Only fragments.
Small pieces of a puzzle I had to assemble alone.

Whenever I dared to step beyond the safe borders of “colleagues,” you warned me.
You spoke of protecting your family — and I respected that. I even admired it.
I never wanted to destroy your marriage. I told you that.

So how dare you now say that I did not love you?

When I came back again — breaking things off once more at home, facing fresh storms, worse than before — because I realized I could not live without you.

And what waited for me?
Your rejection.

How do you expect me to return as if nothing happened?
After you repeated, again and again, that I must stay within limits? After you stopped answering my calls?

Yet you ask me to come back.
As if nothing broke.
And you blame me for being heartless because I cannot forgive so easily.

You say you gave up.
Gave up on what?
You never truly tried. You always waited for me to make the move. And now you give me also a deadline.

And still — unbelievably — I tried once more.

You said we should reset. Start from zero. Wipe the blackboard of memory clean.
Introduce ourselves like strangers.

I found that beautiful.

So I stepped back. I gave time space to heal us.

I posted a car for sale — the same way we once met.
With another phone number.
I sent it to you. You were meant to call and ask to see it.

Why didn’t you?

In the end, I called you myself, asking if you were interested in buying the car.
You did not step into the game.

So next time we meet —
let us finally do it.

Let us introduce ourselves properly.

And when you ask my name,
call me
your soul flame.

Soul Mates

I made a search in YouTube for Soul Mates word to see what I can find, and there is this reading from CARL JUNG: How God Connects Two Soulmates That Are Destined for Each Other. Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK06W6kmLIs

While listening to it, I reminded about our compatibility chart from the astrologer after a long time. And I read it again. Is so much similar. Now it all makes sense.

Listening to Jung’s theory, it helped me to understand myself more, our relationship, and all our feelings. And I realized that all of it is true, we are really soulmates, whether we like it, or admit it, or not. And this is not making things easier. Is draining me. Why? This is so much contrary to my religious beliefs, they don’t match. And is so hard to let it go. And you didn’t make things easier. You just pushed me far and it will be very hard the return. I feel that you miss me. I feel that you want me to come back. But loving you awakens something much older in me — something rooted in my childhood. And to explain that, I will tell you a story at the end. …

Now, in order to work this relationship, seems like both of us must let go everything, is like a purification, and that hurts like hell. To be together, I should give up about my life goal mainly, living for others. You keep telling me this since we met. I will explain you why I can’t.

Every morning, when I wake up, I pray:
“God, thank You for everything You have given me. Today again, I place my life in Your hands. I am Your servant. Let me do Your will.”

To reach this level, I had to pass through countless transformations. So now, whatever comes my way during the day, I accept. Sometimes I return home late. Sometimes I leave unexpectedly or answering calls in the middle of the night, or staying hours on the phone listening to random people telling their life stories or fears or problems. My family no longer asks questions. They trust that God guides and protects me.

My life is not directed by my plans. Whenever I tried to make plans, God gently laughed at them.

A day for me might begin with going out for a simple meeting — and on the way, I might encounter a beggar asking to be driven 200 kilometers to another city. You know my electric car barely covers that distance. And yet, I would take him. I would cancel everything else. I would not even consider the consequences. Because in that moment, I believe I am serving God Himself.

And that fills me with an indescribable joy — completing the tasks He places before me.

In this unpredictable — random for us, but never random for Him — romance and passion never had a place. They were not part of the design.

And then you came.

When you entered my life, everything intensified. God’s tasks seemed to grow more demanding. Extraordinary things began happening daily. And at the same time, you turned my world upside down. I had to bend, adjust, reshape myself.

I tried to save my marriage. I tried to forget you. I fought with all my strength to return to what was “normal.” But after pushing so hard, I realized something painful:

It is not working.

I cannot live without you. My heart aches for you every day. I feel you in every cell of my body. This connection does not resemble a fairy tale — it is not soft pink and peaceful. It is fire. It exposes our fears, our habits, everything we thought we were. It strips us bare, until only our souls remain — vulnerable, unmasked, pure. And Jung has really good answers to that. And is so freaking me.

As Christians, there is a high skill we are taught to discern carefully the fine line between temptation and truth. For so long, I believed this was merely a temptation — something to resist, something to surrender once so it would disappear forever.

But it did not disappear.

After more than two years of fighting, I see no purpose in fighting anymore. That is why I came back to you.

And I understand you now. If I had been in your place, I might have rejected me too — to protect myself from the pain this love brings. But I came to you with my heart completely open. I wanted you to understand that resisting what we feel has become useless. We must either accept it… or let it burn us from within.

I know you are afraid I will leave again. That I will change my mind.

No.

This time, it is real.

I will try to adapt to this new life — with you or without you. But I will not come back again unless you truly call me. Or unless life itself does.

For now, I have at least a month of intense work ahead. You will have your space.

P.S. The story I promised you.

There was once a young man in his twenties. He had two girlfriends — and the two women were friends, unaware that he was deceiving them both.

One day, he decided it was time to marry. Unable to choose, he brought both of their photographs to his mother and asked her to decide for him. She refused. The choice, she said, must be his.

So he chose the weaker one — the orphan, the fragile girl who seemed to need protection. He felt responsible for her.

But the other woman loved him deeply. After he left her, she sought him out several times, asking if he was truly certain of his decision. Even on the wedding day, just before the vows, she approached him once more and asked: “Is this truly what you want?”

He grew angry. He accused her of not letting go. He treated her harshly and ordered her to leave forever.

That man was my father.

Throughout my childhood, he told me this story again and again. He warned me never to be like that woman. “Never run after a man,” he would say. “Let him come to you.”

Perhaps that is why I never had a boyfriend until the middle of university. Many tried. But my silence, my restraint, confused them.

I broke that rule only once.

For you.

Today is about endings and beginnings.

I am sorry you are not part of this beginning.
And yet—ironically—fate keeps placing us closer, as all my new projects orbit your area. Don’t worry. My main occupation will be to avoid you.

You pushed buttons in me that should never have been touched—buttons with no return. There are places inside me that are sacred. I made a tremendous emotional effort to come the last time, only to offer you one final act of help. Once again, I stepped over myself—just as I had done hundreds of times before. This time, it was pure mercy. And pity, for having to look into your eyes.

I will explain the buttons you never had the right to push.

First.
I came to you having laid my pride at your feet. I placed myself—my entire life—into your hands and explained clearly what to do. That was the greatest proof of love and trust I could give. I am a proud woman, and I have never done this for anyone in my entire life.

What you failed to understand is this:
I have the right to lay down my pride.
You had no right to step on it.

You never reject, in that way, a real woman who loves you unconditionally—without interest, without gain, without agenda. She never returns.

That was the moment my boundaries were crossed. You crushed my pride, and you chose not to trust me.

As a final hint—one given with genuine concern—you have surrounded yourself with people who use you, manipulate you, and exploit your weaknesses for their own purposes. The ones you could truly trust, you overlook. Be careful. I am honestly worried for you.

Second.
What you say and what you do never align. Worse—you deny your own words. This is deeply disturbing. I have no reason to involve myself with someone so unreliable.

This is classic toxic behavior: lying, cheating, inventing an entire life and presenting it as perfect. But behind the curtain lies something dark—something even you might fear to face.

Strangely enough, my marriage is more real than yours. Mine is honest. I never hid my feelings for you from him. I never hid anything. I am honest to the point of cruelty. I know I am hurting him deeply—and I still choose honesty over deception.

Third—and this is the one I may never forgive.
One day, you will have to explain to me why I was not invited to the opening and the blessing service. I asked both you and your father to tell me when it would be. And I arranged it! I asked them for it! This is something I will never get over.

My tolerance is limited. I can forgive many things—but not this.

That place held my life and my soul. Seeing it completed would have been the greatest relief and happiness after more than two years of effort. Instead, you disappointed me one last time—and this time, it was immense.

I believed in you. And in one moment, you destroyed every excuse I had made for you. Every good thing I once saw in you, vanished, one by one.

Now, about the codes.
I never spoke of this before, and I want it written here.

I knew about the codes you shared with her—the ones you used to arrange your dates. I tested you. I told you that you were confusing me with her.

How could you think I would lower myself to such a level—to date you through childish codes and allow everyone to know?

There is one thing that stops me: dignity.
Aristocracy of character.

I will never go that low. If I were ever to cheat, I would be so careful that no one would ever know. But I knew long before about yours. A few days of observation were enough to understand everything. After that, the rest was just a game—to stop you, to pass the time when I was bored.

You made sure everyone knew about the codes and blamed me for them. You used me to cover yourself. What they don’t know is that those codes were simply the hours you scheduled your dates.

And now, my final confession.
I am deeply attracted to complex, dark, wounded psychological characters. I like to study souls in their deepest, most hidden places—where no one else dares to go.

From the very first second, this is what drew me to you.

I have a flaw: I love healing broken souls. And yours was screaming that it was in trouble. For a woman, caring for a wounded soul can feel natural—motherhood runs in our blood. And yes, I admit it was fascinating to watch your next move, to observe how you build your plans, how your mind works.

But don’t you know?
Your plans never work with me.

I warned you from the beginning that I am different. Sometimes you disappointed me—not because you hurt me, but because you failed to rise to the intelligence I believed you possessed. I pushed you to your limits and watched you hesitate, afraid to cross them. Then came the anger—at yourself, at me, at the world—and the excuses you invented just to survive. You believed them, because you needed them.

But healing you would cost me everything. I have children who need me. A career that demands me. A life that cannot be paused. Being near you pulled me away from all of that. To choose you would mean giving up almost everything—and that would require one essential change from you:

Honesty.

Our connection was psychological. I barely noticed how you looked. I didn’t care. I saw the beauty and complexity of your soul.

You call yourself a lonely wolf. Look at the Orthodox calendar—we met on the day of Saint Wolf. A coincidence so precise it’s unsettling. The symbol fits you perfectly.

My mistake was this:
I was not afraid of your bite.
And I didn’t walk away soon enough.

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The Distance

There is such pain in the distance that separates us. What is this pain that never stops? What did I do to deserve it?
These days I have been thinking a lot about the past, trying to understand what really happened.

The conclusion I reached is that I truly don’t feel guilty about anything, because all I did was follow God’s word. He clearly showed me that we are not meant to be together. It is not His will. And He did everything He could to stop us. From the very beginning, He gave me one word: friendship. Do you remember when I gave you that quote from the Bible and told you to read it when you were alone? So you could feel it in your heart and mind. It is a profound quote about friendship.

It is Chapter 6 from The Wisdom of Jesus the Son of Sirach, or Ecclesiasticus.

[“14 A faithful friend is a strong defense.

He who has found him has found a treasure.

15 There is nothing that can be taken in exchange for a faithful friend. His excellency is beyond price.

16 A faithful friend is a life-saving medicine. Those who fear the Lord will find him.

17 He who fears the Lord directs his friendship properly; for as he is, so is his neighbor also.

18 My son, gather instruction from your youth up. Even when you have gray hair you will find wisdom.

19 Come to her as one who plows and sows and wait for her good fruit; for your toil will be little in her cultivation, and you will soon eat of her fruit.

20 How exceedingly harsh she is to the unlearned! He who is without understanding will not remain in her.

21 She will rest upon him as a mighty stone of trial. He won’t hesitate to cast her from him.

22 For wisdom is according to her name. She isn’t manifest to many.”]

And I feel so bad that I disappointed God and everyone by trying and wanting more. My feelings for you were never those of friendship. All this time, I have been fighting this temptation. Sometimes I became weak, exhausted from the battles, and I nearly fallen. Then I went to church to gain more strength.

I will keep this short today because I have to work. I just want to reach some conclusions.

First of all, I want you to know that I understand why you are blaming me, because I always considered this story as my own battle—my own feelings—alone. I never considered us as a team or a couple, because I never felt you that way. I always felt you were on another team. It is clear that you have been talking to people about this and not telling the whole truth, mostly blaming me.

So I took some distance, because I didn’t feel you next to me. Later, when I learned about your daughter’s sickness, I also took distance from you. I didn’t want to take advantage of your weakness. You had to stay close to your family, and the last thing you needed was someone interfering. I know you wanted me next to you and expected my support, but it wouldn’t have been fair.

Eventually, I was there—but in a very discreet and delicate way. And when your wife was leaving with the child to other cities for treatment, how could I come to your home and cheat? Cheat on a woman who was caring for her sick child? That truly was not the right time. And it is definitely not my style.

Her need was to have you next to her, and many times I felt you weren’t. That upset me and scared me. I was scared, first of all, because I put myself in her place, and I couldn’t imagine the pain she was going through. And second, I was scared to see how unreliable you could be—that you were coming to see me instead of being next to them. You simply ran away.

That was the first moment when I took distance from you. And I promised myself to stay there for you anyway—discreetly—until she got well, until I could see you happy again.

The second time I took distance was when you started a relationship with the other woman. I felt it as revenge on me because I didn’t agree to be with you. Actually, I almost did—my mind was so foggy and I was so deeply in love with you that I could accept anything. You didn’t really try, because of your lack of confidence. And I was too ashamed and too scared to make a move.

But she did, and you fell immediately. I was so upset because you were so weak that you could fall for the first bitch who opened her legs to you. You didn’t have the patience to wait for me or to fight for us. Then I saw that you didn’t stop and were getting deeper into this absurd story and the huge sins that she was pushing you into. I was feeling like there is this immense abyss which opened between us, and is getting larger everyday. So I started to fight you and tried to scare you both to give up. And I felt you were a team with her against me. And I was feeling your soul’s kneading through all this. And I was so deeply sorry for you, more than my anger, because I felt you were not happy, no peace, just a daily fight for your lust and desire for revenge. For a while, because of the anger I felt, I was very close to making the whole story public. That was more than a year ago. But I decided not to, to leave things to God to solve. Why? Because I don’t want to be the reason for more pain in you nor your family. All of us suffered enough,

And that day when you didn’t show up on your birthday and I learned you spent the entire morning with her, I was completely crushed, in so much pain. That day still hurts.

Anyway, to conclude—for now. I can’t write anymore today; I have a lot of work. The options are:

1. Easy way – We do nothing (your favorite). We let time heal and let fate decide what comes next. I will stay far away. I prefer not to see you—it hurts too much—and also because you asked for that.
2. Medium way – After some distance, we can try a restart as friends. I’m not sure if that’s possible. Eventually, we could make a schedule for texting or phone calls, maybe?
3. Hard way – If you really, truly want this and want to be together, we can start asking God to accept it. He has the keys. How do you do that? Fasting, praying, maybe going to a priest for advice. Because when you change your life, it must be a clean start. Otherwise, there will only be trouble later. This means you have to assume your decisions, be a very strong man, and stand against everyone and everything—honestly.

Which one are you?
Should I put a smiley face in here?

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My soul naked—always me.

I haven’t written to you for a while because I’ve been extremely busy with work. I’ve poured all my energy and passion into it, and I realized that I am actually following Freud’s principle of sublimation—or sexual transmutation—which means redirecting sexual energy towards something more constructive and meaningful. While working, I’ve been listening these days to an interesting YouTube channel called Indecepta, which discusses this subject. Listening to it has given me strength and motivation to continue my life in a positive direction and to focus on what truly matters to me: my children and my work.

My husband is still on hold, unfortunately. I couldn’t rebuild things with him. We are still separated, yet living in the same house. I see him suffering in silence, waiting for me—but I can’t move past it. I don’t even know if I ever will.

Anyway, I have decided that this year I will no longer waste my energy inefficiently. I will use it in the most productive and effective way. My only connection to my inner world—my old love, fears, and pain—will remain here, in what I write. Here, I will extinguish the inner fire that was consuming me and affecting my life on every level. In all other aspects, I will be completely practical and rational.

You chose this, and I will not push anymore. I will not try to change it. And if removing you entirely from my life—stopping seeing you altogether—serves my purpose best, then so be it. Yes, you can blame me: say that I don’t love you enough, that I am not unconditionally by your side, that I am proud or cold. Blame me—whatever. I don’t want to enter this discussion again. I have explained myself many times, and I am tired. I am tired of being crushed by your moods, your ego, and your fears. I believe I have proven my love, but when things become too chaotic, it is a sign that they must come to an end.

I still carry many open wounds, which I would like to heal by speaking to you openly—to clarify all the issues we never truly understood. I am still hoping (how foolish of me) that one day you will have the courage to stand in front of me and speak honestly. On the other hand, maybe it’s better not to happen, because I know what you would say, and it would hurt me even more. I see clearly how your fears and pride hold you back, how you keep inventing excuses so you can live comfortably with yourself. I am tired of searching for you—of being pushed away, then called back again, drawn in to start over, again and again, in this absurd game of love. I told you many times: I am not your toy.

All of this has been a lesson for both of us. I realized that all my calculations were absurd and foolish. How could I have imagined that I could be your mistress and simply ignore your wife? I forgot about God. I forgot my vows. Love truly blinds us sometimes. I wasn’t myself anymore. Every time I saw you, I felt like I was losing my sanity, damaging my inner balance for weeks afterward. Yet I always felt God close to me, always offering His hand. He sent me so many friends—more than I ever had before. They are close to my heart; they love me and appreciate me deeply. My friends supported me through all of this and showed me how to move forward, how to believe in myself, and how to be strong.

So, in conclusion, I choose to step back and protect my inner balance—because otherwise, I feel I am at risk of losing my life. And sometimes I feel that you wouldn’t even care if something happened to me.

There is something I want you to know about me—something I never told you. Something no one knows: not my husband, not my family. Here it is.

There was a very important period of my life you know nothing about. From the age of 19 until 27—eight years—it was the darkest time of my life. During that period, I received a brutal education in reality. I saw everything: the ugliness of the world and of human beings. I met the greatest masters of evil, the most skilled manipulators of the human mind, and lived beside them for years. During that time, I tried to kill myself twice. In case you didn’t notice, the scars on both my wrists are still there.

Those years taught me the harshest lessons a human soul can endure. They played with my mind and emotions, pushed me beyond limits I never imagined existed. It was unbearable—but I survived. I won in the end, though covered in scars, both on my body and on my soul. I lived eight years in the deepest hell imaginable. Compared to that, what you are doing to me now is small—almost insignificant. If I truly wanted to step into evil, I could crush you like a bug with the experience I have. I played with you a little only to show you who was stronger in this game—but manipulating minds is not who I am. I did it with a good intention: to frighten you, to bring you back to the right path. I see now that it didn’t work. Still, I believe in you—in your good heart—and in the power of my prayers for you. I know that one day you will turn your face toward God and love Him as He loves you.

When I finally escaped that hell, I made myself a promise: I would never return there again. I promised to be strong, to seek peace and happiness, and to fulfill my greatest dream—to have as many children as I could. When I met him, this good man who loved and cared for me deeply, he brought me a peace I had never known before. I devoted myself to raising my children, and I was the happiest person on earth. I closed myself off from the world and its ugliness and lived in purity and joy alongside the clean souls of my children. I forgot the darkness. I forgot the pain.

You brought it all back. But I will win again—just as I did before. Purity and goodness always win. No matter how many times I fall, I will rise again, stronger than ever, because I have Jesus in my heart. He has always loved me and stood beside me—even when I turned away from Him. And every time, He came back loving me even more.

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I know everything.

I told you—I have known since October 2024. I know since then that you are having an affair with her. I didn’t tell anyone because I don’t want to be the cause of so much pain in your family. I couldn’t bear to see the pain in your father’s eyes, nor in your wife’s.

I also know that this is the cause of your strange behavior. Your soul is involved in a fight—between good and evil. You love me because sometimes I am the oxygen you breathe when you need a moment of air outside of the darkness. But most of the time, you are on the side of evil.

My options are:

1. To insist on staying next to you, no matter what, or how many times you push me away. I would be like a doctor staying beside a person who is almost dying, holding on to the last hope of helping him survive.
2. To watch you from a distance and pray for you.

The second option is my choice, and I will explain why. Because God said so. Jesus said that if they do not ask for your help and tell you to go, then go and do not look back. Another reason is that this relationship is also affecting my balance, and I am starting to sin in my thoughts.

I know there is a terrible struggle in your soul. I know you hate your current life and what is happening, and you cannot see a way out. I know you desperately need my help. You need to feel that there is someone who knows the real you and still cares about you—with all your sins and your complicated character—and still loves you. And you know that I am that person. Someone who will always be there, no matter what. I am, and I always will be. But you have to call me.

Why? Because you must make a choice. You must decide which side you are going to be on: good or evil. Even good cannot be done to someone by force. I cannot be intrusive in your life. You have to ask for it.

God also does not enter our lives by force. Even though He has all the power, He allows us to choose—to come to Him and pray to Him. He watches us from a distance, protects us from falling too deeply, and when we are drowning, He is saving us out. I am doing the same. I will still be there for you, watching from far and sending you all my support through my prayers. This is the best help I can give you in these times. From time to time, I will pass by to see how you are and to have our healing conversations.

I cannot stay close to you because is affecting my spiritual balance. You are currently living in great sin. To name only the most serious ones: dissoluteness, lust, greed, anger, and revenge.

When you stay in the mud, you get dirty. I do not want to get dirty. The temptations are too strong—even for me, they are hard to resist. I have realized that I resisted all this time only through God’s help, not through my own strength. I am too weak.

Now, if you need some advice, I will explain the rest.

First of all, I have no idea how to get you out of this. You must want it yourself, with all your strength. But you don’t, because you are allowing your emotions to control you. She has found your weak and dark places and is exploiting them. She feeds your lust and your greed. She feeds your fears and your lack of trust.

I suppose you could begin by helping others— like charity. Second, you need to learn how to better control your inner world: to identify your past wounds and heal them. You know your wounds—why don’t you acknowledge them?

You must also learn to resist temptation. I know how hard this is. Above all, you should start praying—not from books, but from your heart. Speak to God daily. Share with Him your thoughts and feelings.

I know one thing: love will solve everything—spiritual love. Our souls are somehow connected, and I am feeding yours with the energy of my love. But this energy comes from my connection with the love of Jesus. I receive it through fasting, prayer, and tears—through purity. If I lose that, I will no longer be able to help you.

If you truly want to get out of all this, you must start fighting. I feel you are like someone struggling in deep water, trying not to drown, reaching for one last breath of air. That breath is the love of God, keeping you connected by a very delicate thread. I am that thread. He sent me to you for this reason.

I still see His light in your soul. It has not completely vanished.
Feed it.