“Oh baby you know I’m not what you want, I’m what you need.”
There is a song I like so much: “What I Do” by Gio Mkl. In fact, I love all his songs. His music carries this spirit of dark, obsessive, painful love—toxic, yet passionate and naughty—but also with a profound depth of feeling for the girl he misses.
He is so right, and it’s the same with us. We are what we need for each other, even if we don’t want it. We are both certain that the price of our happiness would be too high.
I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. I want you to believe in yourself more. I still believe in you, and I know your heart. Sometimes, you just need to forgive and forget. I still think with all my soul that you are the most wonderful and amazing man I have ever met, and you have such great potential.
Yes, I left. But I did so because my presence was becoming damaging to both of us. Us and our connection were turning into something I couldn’t recognize anymore. There was so much pain involved that we were losing ourselves, and our pride and differences had the final word. I felt like you were always choosing others over me. I didn’t feel your love, and sometimes you were really mean—as if you didn’t have a heart. I waited you to stop me, to call me back. You never did. And I know the reasons very well.
My trust in you had already been gone for a while, and the events that followed showed I was right when you revealed your true character. Yes, I pushed hard against that realization because I didn’t want to accept it, and I still struggle to face it. I can’t accept that you could be such an evil person—that you could hurt me so badly and wish me deep harm. But I guess I must try to accept it, just as I must accept that you don’t love me, no matter how much I believed in us.
I left while still being certain that we are soulmates, and while still loving you painfully deeply. Even though my heart aches from missing you and feels like it cannot live without you, I had to make that decision. It took all my strength and power. It nearly destroyed me, but I had to do it.
I hope you are fine, though I feel you aren’t truly okay without me. I am so sorry for that; I wished with all my heart that I could stay, but it felt that distance was the best option for us in that time.
I have no idea what the future holds for us. I feel best option is to keep going in no contact. You scare me so much because of everything surrounding you, your revengeful nature, the gossip, and the power games happening over there. Above all else, I need peace. I am someone who needs peace, loving people around, and a simple, quiet life. Yet, I was willing to sacrifice everything for us, even knowing that a life with you would be a daily struggle.
Still, I hope one day you will understand soulmates really do exist—and that we truly are, whether we like it or not. I hope this distance has allowed you to think more rationally about us and understand our relationship better. I hope you can see what happened between us with real honesty now.
I am always talking to you in my mind, sharing my daily life with you. First I talk to God, and then to you. Whenever I don’t know what to do, I wonder what you would have done in my place. Maybe one day we can do that in real life too, and find a way to keep in touch without harming anyone—including ourselves.
Your name is carved in my heart forever, and mine in yours.
But, “Oh baby you know I’m not what you want, I’m what you need.”
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