This is a healing journal, a safe space just for me. It’s not meant for you; it is how I speak to my inner self and release the heavy feelings I cannot easily explain to others. Writing helps me understand myself and clear my mind.
I was thinking recently about what you said—that I am a lamb. It caught me completely off guard, because I once believed you possessed a depth of understanding beyond anyone else. In time, however, I realised the person I fell in love with never truly existed, and perhaps never will.
Even as I stayed by your side, hoping to help you grow, I’ve come to realise that some traits are hardwired and will never change. Your profound lack of compassion leads to a cruelty I never thought possible.
The image I had of you was an illusion. I projected my dream of a perfect partner onto you—someone with flaws, yes, but someone I could fix. But some things cannot be fixed. When someone refuses to grow, willingly hurting others with full awareness of the consequences and without an ounce of remorse, that is no longer a mistake. That is villainy.
Every brief encounter with you leaves me hurting and in tears, and it takes so much out of me to recover. Why? It isn’t because of the pain you cause me. It is because I see you destroying yourself, sinking deeper into a darkness from which it is so hard to return, while also harming those closest to you. Have you never wondered why your child is sick? Your actions touch our family, too.
But I am immune to evil. You never understood that you and your circle were not the first malicious people I’ve faced, nor will you be the last. Choosing the side of good has always been my deliberate choice.
You never understood that I was never a lamb—not just a naive, simple soul stuck in childhood. Choosing to remain good in the midst of evil is a daily decision.
Every time I fall, I am reborn with a stronger heart.
Every battle I win, I am reborn with more power.
I am a phoenix.
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